Handling discontentment in a relationship

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Q: How does one deal with discontent in a relationship? As per being with someone and seeing far better people in some respect…how does one deal with the discontent.

A: If the relationship is a marriage, you just have to be content with who you have because you had an opportunity to make a choice and you chose your partner, so you have to be grateful for him/her. No one ever gets a 100% perfect spouse, we all are work in progress. There’s really not much you can do but compromise and love the person unconditionally. However, if it is a relationship that has not been finalized like a marriage, then I suggest you end the relationship depending on the degree of your discontentment. Please note that, the grass always seems greener on the other side, so you may want to be really sure of your reasons for discontentment because sometime people want what they cannot have. The cure might just be to accept whomever you choose for who they are.

Q: There were cases of spouses changing so much after they got married. That’s an issue for me because I know people change,  but what if this change is so much as to bring me into shock, how do I handle it and still be happy in marriage? Please give practical instances.

A: Change is inevitable in any relationship because people evolve and the moment they become more comfortable with you, their true nature becomes visible. I cannot categorically tell you what to expect because these things are relative, I also do not know your threshold for shock. However, one advice I would give you is to be double sure before you say I do, you never know what form of change will occur in your spouse after you tie the knot but be very convinced that you really love and want to spend the rest of your life with that person, that way your love and conviction will cushion whatever marriage throws at you. For instance, a lady found out after marriage that her husband likes all the kinky sex stuff, they had to have a serious talk about this and she went out of her way to do the ones she was comfortable with and her husband being considerate made some sacrifices and decided that some of his desires will just remain at the fantasy level and never find expression. Now this was possible because the guy genuinely loved her and was willing to compromise. So,because some change would come as a result of new levels and evolving desires, one thing you want to be sure of before marriage is that, your partner really and truly loves you and will be willing to compromise and make sacrifices if need be.

Q: While two close friends prepared for their wedding, I saw some friction in the air. The bride’s family had some financial expectation but this guy couldn’t meet everyone, now the striking thing there was it was as if this lady was taking sides with her family, and it was a bit awkward for me, cos I felt, is this girl not going to live with this man? Is it a thing of hey guy, you MUST fulfill all the demands of my family if not….
So here are my questions;
– How should intending couples handle the preparation phase, to avoid frictions that might come out of heavy financial demands? 
– What really makes a wedding successful? Cos I know most times wedding is more of a family thing, the family wants to invite the whole world, yet most of the responsibility is made on the groom after all.
Please understand me, I know if you say you want to marry, then you should have some means to achieve that, but we also know that all fingers are not equal.

A: This is very simple, the guy needs to declare to his fiancée what his financial status is and also his budget for the wedding ceremony, he also needs to make her understand that it is just a one day celebration that begins the rest of their lives. And she in turn needs to communicate this to her folks, a bride should have the power to dictate to her parents and other family members what exactly she wants and what is important to her. If her parents want something more elaborate than what her fiancé can afford, then they (bride’s family) will have to finance what is left. I am completely against couples borrowing for their wedding reception. If after explaining to her, she cannot see reasons with him on such a matter then she just might not love him as much as she says she does.
A wedding ceremony is a very trivial matter compared to the actual marriage that begins in the days following the ceremony, so really, much fuss shouldn’t be made about it but ladies in most cases already have dreams of how they would want that special day to look like – and this is not a problem – it only becomes a problem when you allow the planning and preparations for the ceremony strain your relationship. I have seen a couple whose major problem in their marriage that led to an eventual divorce, started on the wedding day over the issue of whose siblings should pick the money that was sprayed. It all boils down to what the priorities of the parties involved in a relationship are.

 

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Ijeoma Ajibola

Ijeoma Ajibola is a Neuro Linguistic Programmer, speaker, author, certified Marriage Coach, and happy mother of three lovely children. Pursuing her passion for successful marriages, she obtained a certificate from the College of Marital Success in 2012 and has written two books: Common Mistakes Husbands Make and Common Mistakes Wives Make. She hosts monthly Breakfast Meetings for couples as well as an annual ‘Love Ball’. In addition to speaking at couples’ events, she runs an online personalized therapy for couples.

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