How far is too far in a relationship

Q: How far is too far, physically when it comes to a relationship?

Physically, a peck or a little kiss or hug should do no harm, it becomes too far when you engage in French kissing, heavy petting and necking, which can get you so aroused to the point of “no return” and before you know it, you are asking the Lord for forgiveness. So I advise, keep it to the barest minimum, by that I mean just a Hello peck on the cheek or lip and Goodbye hug. If you want more, fast forward your wedding date.

how far is far

Q: What activities are healthy for two people in a relationship? And what activities are not healthy (praying together, etc)

Some healthy activities are: Going out (sightseeing), Reading, Attending programs, seminars etc and just basically any activity that adds value to you both. As for the unhealthy ones, I believe you already know them…do not fuel your weaknesses. If you know you cannot avoid falling into the temptation of having sex, then don’t be in environments that will fuel your sexual desires. It’s pretty simple.

Q: How can you really tell if someone is for you? Especially in this world where feelings are usually the yardstick?

Feelings are very wrong parameters to base your choice on, because feelings may change and fade after some time. To know if someone is for you, you need to articulate the values they add to your life. Can this person go all the way for you, especially in the aspect of your life goals and visions, do you share similar values? These are some of the questions you need to ask and answer for yourself. Feelings are not too bad but it cannot be the yardstick for your decision.

Q: Is it a must both of you must have similar goals and vision in life?

You do not need to have similar goals and visions because you are two different individuals, however, you must share similar values. For instance, if you both value integrity, then no matter your different goals and visions, you have the same approach to arrive there… I hope this is clear enough.  In my case, my vision is to mend relationships, that is not my husband’s vision but one of our shared value is excellence, so in pursuit of my vision, I know excellence is a must and so does he in the pursuit of his own vision.

Q: What do you do when you feel unsettled about a relationship, even if the partner is awesome and everything you’ve prayed for?

If I am correct, being unsettled means you lack peace either about the relationship as a whole or some aspects of it right? Well in that case, you need to pause and analyze what it is that is unsettling you. I tell people that the one sure way to know you are not making a mistake in choosing a partner is if you have absolute inner peace. If it is just an aspect of the relationship you are unsettled about, then in such case with talks and negotiations, a compromise could be reached….notice I used the word “could” that is because it’s not certain. However, if it is the entire relationship that is unsettling, no matter how awesome the person is, that is a warning sign for something major.

Q: How can you keep third parties out of your relationship (practical steps).

What kind of third party are you referring to? I am a marriage counselor and I serve in most cases as a third party to the couples I counsel but of course with the sole aim of mending the relationship. So, not all third parties are bad. If you are referring to a third party that does not have good intentions towards your relationship, then you keep them out simply by not inviting them in the first place. No one should or can have a say in your relationship unless you directly or indirectly give them that power. My advice is, guard your relationship and be totally responsible for whoever you let in. This is an agreement you and your partner need to make together because every third party will be let in by either one of you or both of you.

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Ijeoma Ajibola

Ijeoma Ajibola is a Neuro Linguistic Programmer, speaker, author, certified Marriage Coach, and happy mother of three lovely children. Pursuing her passion for successful marriages, she obtained a certificate from the College of Marital Success in 2012 and has written two books: Common Mistakes Husbands Make and Common Mistakes Wives Make. She hosts monthly Breakfast Meetings for couples as well as an annual ‘Love Ball’. In addition to speaking at couples’ events, she runs an online personalized therapy for couples.

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