Letters To My Single Self
A few weeks ago, I attended one of the meetings organised by the youth ministry of RCCG City of David called “Connect”. This one was titled “Letters to my single self”. After sharing on Instagram that a couple I respect so much and openly honor “Fela and Tara Fela-Durotoye” were the ministers, a couple of friends and Instafriends requested my notes. In the spirit of paying it forward, I have shared this on the web for everyone to see. Don’t just read through and walk past, leave something behind; leave a comment or question. It’s a ‘ learning community’😉. As you know, firsthand experience trumps reported speech. They gave examples, told stories and I have only paraphrased but to keep the flow, think of these as a script with KEY POINTS. Lol😀
“HOW DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER”
Small story: When FD met TFD, she liked what he was wearing and asked to be introduced to the tailor so she can make same for her boyfriend😳😏. Seeing the trouble he was willing to go through to help her, she thought “Ahan, are there guys that would go to such lengths on top of another person’s boyfriend”👀👀 he was also thinking “so, there are girls that will go so far for their boyfriend to give; and not just to collect all the time😕😮”. The more they communicated the more Tara thought this guy is good and he cannot just go like that, so she started trying to match-make him with her friend. Long story short, the matchmaker became the match made in heaven😍😍❤❤
FD: I heard God tell me clearly that she is my wife. As a child of God, you have an advantage called the ‘Holy Spirit’
TFD: I saw in him the things I prayed for in a husband since I was thirteen. God spoke to me through a stillness in my spirit and I still have that stillness. When you get married, you will have some crisis situations and when that happens, you need to be 100% certain that this is who God told you to marry. Spend time studying the word and train your spirit man to hear God speak to you. Don’t go into marriage until you are sure God has told you. You need that information; it is too powerful.
IMPORTANT: God cannot lie; if He says something to you, nurture and build till it manifests
“COMMITMENT, SUSTAINING LOVE & CARRYING EACH OTHER ALONG”
Care for one another. As a man, ask yourself “what have I done lately for my wife?” Don’t just make demands. Go to lengths to show that you care and reciprocate the love and care shown to you. Be intentional about being committed to one another and carrying each other along.
TFD: Regardless of where I have to go or what I have to do, I check if it is okay with my husband first because I must always remember that I am a WOMAN under AUTHORITY. “I package my position as CEO of House of Tara and keep it aside when I enter Fela’s house to be the wife that I should be.”
IMPORTANT: Carry your spouse along; Be committed to one another
“YOU SHALL COMPLEMENT EACH OTHER, NOT COMPETE”
FD: Everyone has a talent, personality and passion to carry out their assignments in life. You were made individually for your assignment, and both of you were designed to fulfill family together. Your personality was meant to be complimentary, not competing; bring your temperaments and gifts to work in harmony for the peace of your home. Don’t hold on to “my temperament” you have no temperament in marriage!😄 Your own temperament must bow to the joint temperament you need to make the marriage work, the same way your temperament must stand strong to help you achieve at work.. At home, bring your temperaments and gifts to work in harmony for the peace of your home and the joy of your spouse. Whatever your temperament is, it must work for the loving of your spouse.
TFD: Allow your temperament to collide with that of your spouse, for the singular objective of your marriage (which is Love, peace and joy). In your personality is a temperament which God gave you and you should find a way to make it work for your marriage. Your assignment/work/ministry is different from family needs; put temperament aside when you come together.
IMPORTANT: You will find that who you are fits your own personal assignment but you must be willing to mold and work it for the benefit of your home.
QUESTION: “I AM DRIVEN, I HAVE GOALS and I WORRY ABOUT GOING into a RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I THINK IT WOULD JUST BE A DISTRACTION and, HOW IS MARRIAGE GOING TO HELP ME BE SUCCESSFUL?”
FD: Your own man is not a distraction, He is a VEHICLE and that is why it is important to be sure that this is your own man or woman. You need to hear God for yourself. When you meet a gardener, you will find out that you’re the one reaching up to meet him. “If you judge a man by only what he has, you will miss out on what God has in store for you”. When the gardener comes, he comes with a mandate to nurture.
TFD: The man that is for you is coming with THINGS to support you to FULFILL your PURPOSE. He will even contribute and help nurture your potential. God knows what assignment he has given each one, and some things I see in my husband’s life now are things I prayed for about my husband when I was a teenager and did not even know who that will be
IMPORTANT: Hear God for yourself concerning matters of your life; If you do not hear God and have a thriving relationship with Him, you will make choices to help destroy yourself
THREE KINDS OF MEN by FD
o The HUNTER – He is in search of a conquest; looks for successful ladies and when he picks one, he kills everything she has built and caps whatever potential she has, using marriage to bring her down and use her carcass as his trophy
o The SCAVENGER – He is fascinated by dead meat; looks for women who have no self esteem or confidence to further trample on them and ‘subdue’ them such that they turn out worse than they were.
o The GARDENER – He is a nurturer; he finds a seed and nurtures it to blossom. He protects and preserves; He waters and builds potential.
“Interestingly, when God made a woman, He brought her as wife to a Gardener😁 ..Adam was not a hunter, or scavenger. He was a gardener. So, if you are not yet a gardener, it is good for you to be alone😜 ”
QUESTION: HOW DID YOU DEAL WITH THE TEMPERAMENT/PERSONALITY TRAIT THAT GOT IN THE WAY of YOUR RELATIONSHIP
FD: First, I heard God. I would not have known how much of a problem it was and the possible impact if God did not show it to me. So, when I had to make a change, I heard him give me some steps to take. The key here is Understanding each other. Also, I asked for help. First from God, then from my wife. I did not know how to break a personality trait but I explained to TFD that I needed help. It has improved because my wife understood and helped me and we are both after each other’s joy.
TFD: Ladies, don’t wait for your husband to always come and ask for help, because it may take a long time for him to even realise. Start helping him, by praying about any habits or behaviour that you noticed and wants to jeopardise healthy communication between you. Also, when he comes round or out of his mood, never turn your back at him. Be ready to receive him with open arms,🙏 because it is the best thing in a marriage when a man recognizes that something is a problem, and makes a choice to fix it.
FD: I was ready to learn and improve. Learn to compromise, “Not everything is worth fighting for. The only thing worth fighting for is your wife (“or husband” – TFD);
IMPORTANT: Marriage is something you work at before, during and after.
LESSONS ON LEARNING
FD: Don’t just learn for information, don’t just learn to be able to impart others, learn for implementation. Do not discriminate or limit your learning, you can learn from anybody, even if you only learn what not to do.
TFD: Learn from God in prayer. Maintain a life of constant, thriving communication with the Holy Spirit. Know God for yourself, and develop your own fellowship with Him; It is not another person’s responsibility. In your journey with God, you will know the right books to read and who to listen to.
TFD graciously referred to three books she finds helpful:
o Sensitivity of heart by Kenneth Copeland
o In the footsteps of a Prophet by Jerry Savelle
o Good Morning Holy Spirit by Benny Hinn
IMPORTANT: A leader is someone who knows how to learn without waiting to be taught
WHAT ABOUT AGE?
FD: In marriage, age is not as important as maturity. If the guy is a covering, emotionally stable, someone that nurtures you and someone you can nurture, that is great! A man should find a wife, not just a girl. You become his wife after you say ‘I do’, but you have to be ‘a wife’ (as in, wife material) so that you can be found. Age is not the key issue; maturity is.
WORDS ON MARBLE
“Your success is nothing if your home has failed” – FD
“As a man, your credibility is tied to your home” – FD
“Love is the ability to genuinely be committed to the best interest of another” – FD
“You need to put your own mechanisms in place to ensure that you carry your spouse along” – TFD
“Spend time to develop your spirit man because God speaks to you through your spirit” – TFD
“If you are selfish, you are not ready to marry” – TFD
FINALLY FINALLY, There is a book written by Fela Durotoye “Mr Fantastic”-How to know if he is the right man for you. Ladies, you should totally get that book and guys, please read and become MR Fantastic 😃 😃
There you have it people! FD and TFD paraphrased, Hehe
Oya oo if you were there, please add other lessons I missed out in the comment box. Those that asked for notes, what do you think? Was it worth it?