She called it off

Q: My question ma is really about parenting: what are the signs to watch out for the understand the phase a child is in, I believe understanding this would help me relate with my son better and know how to guide him per time, basically,  my question is; how do I understand his growth phases so as to relate with him better. 
Could you in addition also recommend some texts for good and effective parenting in a changing world like ours? Thank you!

I am not a parenting expert; all I can do is recommend a book that I believe will help you. It is called Parenting from Surviving to Thriving by Charles R. Swindoll

 

Q: Having been in courtship for 6 months, my lady ended the Relationship on the grounds that it wasn’t what she looked forward to, like we weren’t compatible and that she was possibly beclouded by the butterflies in her tummy, I truly still love her as I always did, now she called me a few days back asking that we hang out and this as much as I know her is another way of making up the Relationship and coming together again. Do I give it a go since she’s the one calling for it, but then what if she isn’t still certain on what she wants. What do I do please?

The key point here is that you say you truly still love her, (and who am I to stand in the way of love), so the decision is all yours to make. I would say, you can go ahead and hang out with her, feel her pulse, ask her direct questions and if you are satisfied go ahead but tread carefully and be sure it is still not the butterflies steering her back in your direction, so that you don’t waste your time.

breakup
Q: A close friend of mine graduated from college the same year with her present fiancé, they proceeded on national service the same year, however she got her feet way before him and it’s beginning to bring in some friction into the Relationship, she expresses her concern about this since her man is most times not at the level where they could flow and get things done in terms of planning their future together; what counsel can you help my friend with?

It would help to give proper counsel if I know exactly how and why her “being ahead” of him is bringing friction to the relationship. What kind of friction? Which of them is complaining and why? These are examples of specifics that I need to inform my counsel. However, one approach I would advise both of them is to sit and have a talk about how to pull their resources together to work out their future. Assumptions should be totally eradicated, such that it is clear to both of them who does what and when. They have to come up with a solid plan and I would like to add that not all men can handle the fact that their spouse earns more than them. But if the man makes up his mind to increase his earning power, they might just be fine. Like I said earlier, I need more details.

 
Q: A close friend of mine who I’m beginning to have feelings for, we are so close, but as a lady, I might lose him if I get to tell him how I feel about him, my fear is especially if he doesn’t feel the same way about me, do I keep shut or spill it out, I really need to free my heart. Is it right to approach him?

There is nothing wrong in approaching him if you feel that would free your heart but bear in mind, like you rightly pointed out, that the feeling may not be mutual. So be prepared for whatever outcome. However, if you chose to approach, you would save yourself the stress of wondering what could have been. Another point noteworthy is, how valuable is that friendship to you? Depending on his personality, you might lose the friendship or things may just become awkward between you two. But you never know, the outcome may be favorable. I like to give examples with myself if I have any, so here’s one – the first day I met my husband, he gave me his business card but he did not ask for my number. When I got home that night, I became uneasy, I felt I needed to call him so that he could have my number because I really liked him and wanted us to be friends at least. I fought hard to suppress the urge because I did not want to be seen as “forward”, but I lost my peace until I called him. Not to sound too spiritual but, I believe God led me, I have imagined a lot of times what would have happened if I had not made that call. So my Dear, follow your heart and take full responsibility for your actions.

 
Q: My mom has fears that the things she faced in the early stages of her marriage might show up in mine too, this has made her lead a more or less conservative life and she expects me to do same- she probably still has trust issues with men and this shows up when she gives each of my suitors a cold shoulder. I’m scared her reactions could turn off potential guys and in the end I might have the same experiences she had.

Let me just say first of all, you attract whatever you focus on. Your Mom’s experiences cannot be taken away from her, and it would be difficult to erase her scars but you are your own person and you cannot afford to live life with your Mom’s fears. My advice for you is, when you find that one guy that totally meets your requirements, whom you are fully at peace with, just go ahead. However, you need to assure your Mom that you will do well and make her rest assured that you will not have the same experience she had. Your main focus right now, is to ensure you do not make a mistake in your choice of a partner.

 
Q: My question is about self-control and violence in relationships; my boyfriend is the quiet type, however when he gets angry nothing is impossible with him,  he breaks things and once or twice I have sustained bruises for just being there while trying to calm him down. I feel I might be able to help him out of this, but I’m still scared, what if he gets angry someday and that poses a bigger danger to me. I really love him and don’t want to leave him, please help.

I would really love for you to enlighten me on exactly how you might be able to help him, because if you succeed, you might be able to also help other ladies in similar situations. I really do not know how to help you here. But a question I would ask is, does your boyfriend see it as a problem? Is he trying to change? What are the steps he’s taking towards the change? Especially with what has happened to certain women in the recent past, violence in a relationship is not something to be taken lightly. Plus you guys are not even married yet and you have already been bruised once or twice.

 

Q: I really appreciate your efforts at providing practical and timely responses to my questions in the past, thank you. 
This time, my question is this… How do we deal with the incoherence between my partner and I. She wants us to settle down in the same city with her parent for the sole reason that she doesn’t want to be too far from them. I’m self-employed and so I can cope with that, but the main concern right now would be what if that proximity becomes a threat to our marriage knowing fully well her family is quite a large one where everyone wants to do everything together.?

I understand your point, because I have seen firsthand where over-attachment to family led to the destruction of a marriage and it took a gradual process. Since you already know the type of family she’s from, your concerns are not out of place. As the head of the home, it is your responsibility to ensure that the best interest of your family is preserved. So, make your decision on the location that best suits you and make your partner understand that there is need for your new family to grow without interference amongst other things.

 

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Ijeoma Ajibola

Ijeoma Ajibola is a Neuro Linguistic Programmer, speaker, author, certified Marriage Coach, and happy mother of three lovely children. Pursuing her passion for successful marriages, she obtained a certificate from the College of Marital Success in 2012 and has written two books: Common Mistakes Husbands Make and Common Mistakes Wives Make. She hosts monthly Breakfast Meetings for couples as well as an annual ‘Love Ball’. In addition to speaking at couples’ events, she runs an online personalized therapy for couples.

Comments ( 2 )
  1. TOLUWALOPE Oresanya
    August 5, 2016 at 11:31 am
    Reply

    Well articulate ma, many of the questions answered here seem to be core issues in love relationships today. Thanks for sharing!

    • Ijeoma Ajibola
      August 5, 2016 at 6:22 pm
      Reply

      Thank you, I’m glad someone is blessed.

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